This past week was a hard and trying one. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is tough, even if you weren't that close, because you see the people you love hurting. It hurts to watch people hurt. It exhausts your heart and your soul. The environment can be tense and strained. I know Grandpa is in a better place, he is back with Grandma Imogene, but it still bruises your heart to know your loved one is gone.
A video of Grandpa played on the TV at the visitation. It was a compilation of pictures from his entire life put to songs that his children picked out. It was beautiful and it was amazing to see him as a baby and see him throughout different points of his life. Ever since I was young I have seen Grandpa as being sick and frail. It was good to see him stand as a tall, strong man. He loved my Grandma and he loved his kids. He dressed up as Santa at Christmases for the school. It hurts to lose him.
It was tough having AJ gone. Granted, I made him go on his trip to Vegas, but he still is My Rock. He is The Glue that holds me together when I am coming undone. I really wanted him by my side, just his presence can make me feel grounded when I feel like I'm spinning out of control (which has been a normal feeling lately). I am glad he went to Vegas, though. He had a good time and took lots of pics and videos for me so I could see a piece of what he saw. He brought back a hoodie for me from Hard Rock Cafe, and Boop, he brought you back a bear from Hard Rock Cafe :) Your first gift from your daddy.
He came back Thursday, which is also the day that his father Steve was having surgery up at the hospital I work at. In fact, he was in the room next door from where I was. That was a very stressful day because not only was it my first day back from being off all week, but I was also worried about my father-in-law doing okay in surgery and AJ making it back from Vegas safely on the plane and the car ride home. I didn't sleep well all week. I snapped at the doctor I work with. I've never done that before. EVER. I threw a fit about a case I didn't want to do at the end of the day (which I shouldn't have been put in in the first place - for me or for the patient). I lost my damn mind. I cried to Kari, my scrub tech and friend. I cried on the way home. I cried when I got home.
AJ was terrified and hurt that I was in such a banshee-esque state when he'd just gotten home from being gone for 4 days. I felt like I couldn't pull out of it. Too much stress and I finally lost it. I cried and cried. I took a hot shower and got the rest of my tears out. The hot water felt great and I let it just rinse me off and relax my tense muscles. AJ and I snuggled in bed and I felt much calmer. I slept soundly that night.
Friday was a hard day because of so many cases, but I was working with good people, so we got through it. 8 cases by 5 PM for our room, we usually do 6 on Fridays. My feet hurt and my back felt like it was in knots by the end of the day. I was tired. I got into it with an older nurse. Which I never do. Ever. I went and visited Steve, who was doing awesome. Hopefully going home Sunday. I came home to the neighbors dogs barking. And barking.
And barking. And barking.
And barking.
I finally put myself to bed at 9:30 and they were still barking, but I was about to lose it. Lack of sleep, too much stress, and the constant barking wasn't working for me - I was going to kill the dogs. Seriously, I was thinking of ways to steal the dogs and give them to new families and make it look like they just left the yard in search for new homes where their owners didn't keep them locked out of the house for hours at a time in the cold and letting them bark for hours and hours and hours hoping to be let in.
And I love dogs. And it's not their fault their owners are morons. So it was time for bed.
I am on call today and was told last night about an 8 AM case, so I woke up early today and showered and we ended up doing 2 cases before I got to come home around 11. The cases were easy and it's good money, so I can't complain. I am also excited to make the money because I know on Wedneday it is the big GENDER REVEAL DAY!
I am so curious, Boop. Either way, AJ and I are going to be excited as long as you are healthy. A lot of people are asking me how my "little boy" is doing, and I have to correct them and say we haven't found out yet. A lot of people are telling me you are a boy, Boop, so if you are a girl you are going to surprise a lot of people.
Here are some tests and questions I have answered, so we will find out Wednesday which ones are accurate or not:
Chinese Gender Chart: GIRL
Baby Heart Rate (has been in the 150's): GIRL
Baking Soda Test (very quick fizzle): BOY
Ring Test (spun in circles): GIRL
So we'll see...
Love,
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