I have been dreading and looking forward to this post since I started carrying you. My goal was always to write to you until you were 1 year old, and now, I have been putting it off long enough. That time is finally here. On Tuesday you turned ONE YEAR OLD.
I have been writing to you since July 22, 2011 and now it is March 8, 2013. You were estimated to be about 5 weeks old when I started writing "Dear Baby..." in an online diary. You were about 6 weeks when I started calling you "Lil Boop". At 20 weeks I found out you were a little boy and at 22 weeks your daddy and I shared the news that your name was going to be Wyatt J Terrell.. When you were 35 weeks along I was put on bedrest because you were trying to throw me into preeclampsia (booger!). I fussed for 2 weeks and finally got to meet you when you were 37 weeks old: Mr. Wyatt J Terrell born on March 5, 2012. Weighing in at 7.58 lbs and 21" long.
You were everything I had hoped for. I had been talking to you for months, so I felt like you already knew everything there was to know about me. You were so new and I didn't know what to do with you. When your daddy and I took you home for the first time, I clipped your nails because you kept trying to scratch your perfect face. The very first night we foolishly thought you would sleep in your crib - HA! It wasn't until you were a few days old that we finally got a bassinet and started working with that.
It has been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life, and I can't imagine life without you. Because here is the thing, Baby, Lil Boop, Wyatt J...you saved me. I have made mistakes in my life and when I miscarried before you, I felt like God was trying to teach me a lesson, or punish me, I wasn't sure. I planted a rosebush and sat beside it and cried every day. There was a horrible summer drought, and everything in Missouri was dying, but I thought to myself I cannot let this rose bush die...because it would be another failure, like my miscarriage felt. I was depressed. It was dark in my world.
And then I started peeing again, A LOT, and AJ suggested I take a pregnancy test, and it was positive. We weren't in the clear yet. The OB/GYN had me do HCG's, and the numbers kept going up and up until finally she ordered an ultrasound, where I got to see your heart beat for the first time, and your daddy called you his "Lil Boop".
You saved me. My world turned back on. I couldn't have been happier. I was meant to meet you and be your momma. Even with every time I was nauseous, or couldn't walk from sciatica, or even when I was so swollen you could leave an indention in my ankle with a finger - I loved every minute of being pregnant because I knew I was getting closer to meeting you.
For a year I have rocked you to sleep and kissed you goodnight, until we had to lower the mattress to the lowest setting and I about fell in one night leaning over and trying to kiss you. I have changed diaper after diaper and given bottle after bottle, but then I blinked and you are a year old and trying to feed yourself and eat new things. You aren't my little baby anymore, you are exploring the world around you and I have watched you change and grow every day.
We celebrated your birthday by me taking off work and us playing all day long. You and I took a nap together and I just watched you breathe. Crazy psycho mom, right? Nah...I just now know what unconditional love is.
One day you will grow up and you might tell me you hate me. You might even call me a Bitch or tell me you don't love me anymore. You may count the days until you aren't under the same roof as me. You may be embarrassed of me. Hell, you may even try to get rid of my letters - you may throw them in my face. Here's the thing: I don't care, no matter what happens I will always love you. ALWAYS. It will never change. We will disagree, and I can't always be your "buddy", but I can try to be the best momma I can be. You didn't come with a handbook and I don't claim to know everything, but believe me when I say from the bottom of my heart that I hope to God every day you are healthy, happy, and know you are loved.
I love you. Always.
Momma
No comments:
Post a Comment